CONTENTS
1. Come to Jesus Daily devotional
- Monday – Marriage and children are a noble goal
- Tuesday – Husbands love your wives
- Wednesday – Speak the right Love language
- Thursday – Do not be harsh with your wives
- Friday – Husbands lead your wives
You can listen to the message at: Link for audio content
For more information visit: www.communitychurchputney.com
1. COME TO JESUS DAILY DEVOTIONAL
One of our goals as a church is to spend at least 20 minutes every day in prayer and worship out of the bible. I hope you find this devotional helpful toward that end.
INTRODUCTION
Last week we focussed on the role of wives in a marriage. Today we are seeking a biblical vision for the husband. Throughout I’ve also made application for those who are single and so I trust that everyone will find these notes of help.
As we seek to live by God’s will, this will lead to health and joy, and to the extent that we reject God’s pattern for life, the converse is also true. But, let’s also remember that healthy marriages are a key foundation for the flourishing of society on so many levels, so it’s not surprising that demonic forces want to convince us to throw-off truth in exchange for foolishness.
Terry Virgo has written,
‘We have a strong conviction that Christian family life can speak volumes in our crumbling society to many whose families are in sad disarray. We have to recover a sense of parental involvement in a day when drop-out parents can be blamed for much of today’s juvenile delinquency. Views on child-raising vary enormously, but Christians are privileged to know God’s view. The father, as head of the family, is responsible for the state of his household. He must, therefore, be aroused from the apathy associated with modern-day fathers in order to fulfil his God-given role. This also involves the recovery of the biblical order of relationships between husband and wife, abandoned by modern society and, sadly, by many in the church.’
MONDAY – MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN ARE A NOBLE GOAL
Being single or ‘celibacy’ is a wonderful gift and it’s a period that we all pass through prior to marriage. It’s a state (whether life-long or for a period) that is to be enjoyed and used for the service of God.
However, no one would say it explicitly, but many who are single have taken on a view that to aspire to a good marriage with children is of secondary importance to having a career or enjoying a carefree life without responsibility. For many, the desire for family life is seen as, in some way, shameful.
The aspiration to family life is a noble and godly ambition.
When God created Adam, it was said that, ‘no suitable helper was found’ (Gen. 2:20). Tim Keller writes,
‘The entire narrative of Genesis 2, in which a piece of the man is removed to create the woman, strongly implies that each is incomplete without the other.’
The account goes on, ‘Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.’ (See also Eph. 5:31).
Marriage, is God’s design for mankind and brings great blessing.
RESPONSE
If you are single, you are not less of a human being; but it is important that you seek to find your need for deep friendship in godly places. It’s important that you are a part of a church family and that your relationship with Christ is healthy.
If you don’t feel called to a life of singleness, do not be ashamed to express your desire for marriage.
If you are married, you have been united so as to love one another. Husbands and wives need to work at being best friends - in a marriage loneliness should not exist.
But let’s also remember that marriage is not an end in itself - you are brought together to be a blessing to others - you your community and your local church family. Don’t allow your marriage to cause you to only befriend those who are in the same ‘life-stage’ as you; also, as is too common, don’t allow your marriage and family to stop you from devotion to the wider family of the church.
TUESDAY – HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES
If the emphasis on the wife in marriage is the example of Christ in His submission to the Father, the emphasis on the husband is to love like Christ loved the church.
Colossians 3:18-19 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 5:22-25 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
A husband’s love and leadership are to be defined by Jesus who ‘gave Himself up’ for the ‘bride of Christ’ - the church. Jesus said,
“Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:32–45; see also Matthew 20:17–28).
We are all called to Jesus-like greatness (in service!) but this is particularly true of a husband in marriage.
Let’s be very clear, all passages about a husband’s loving leadership are preceded by teaching that it is in the wife’s gift to choose to follow him. Just as each of us have a choice on whether or not to follow Jesus’ leadership, so, to, wives are to choose to submit. If your wife is ungodly and contentious, you are called to love her and lead her through example and as best you can; In fact, in some ways, in a difficult marriage you are in the best place to show Jesus’ grace than others!
But, like a flower in the sun, Christ-like love will, usually, bring out godly leadership and submission in marriage.
RESPONSE
To wives: Are you responding to God’s will that you willingly submit to your husbands ‘fitting’ leadership? If you feel that your husband is difficult to respect, are you prepared to talk and encourage him?
To husbands: Are you focussed on your role to love your wife like Christ loved the church?
To the single: You don’t have a marital relationship of authority and submission but are you in a healthy relationship of submission to your church leaders? Are you employing the resources of your singleness to love the church that Jesus loves?
WEDNESDAY – SPEAK THE RIGHT LOVE LANGUAGE
Colossians 3:18-19 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience of thinking that your relationship with your wife is healthy and happy only to have her melt-down, feeling unloved. The temptation is to defend oneself and tell her all the things that you are doing right… that’s not going to work! If your wife is not feeling loved, then it’s because we are not communicating in a way that makes her feel loved. This is sometimes called ‘love languages’. Tim keller writes,
‘Learn the primary languages of your spouse and send love over those channels, not over the channels you prefer for yourself. We tend to give love through the channels in which we like to receive it.’
What is it that makes your wife feel loved? Gary Chapman in his book, The Five love Languages entitles them,
1. Words of affirmation – Feeling love through words
2. Acts of service – Doing practical things makes them feel loved
3. Receiving gifts – Receiving thoughtful gifts speaks to their heart
4. Quality time – Feeling loved through time and attention
5. Physical touch – Physical proximity and touch makes them feel loved. In marriage this can also include making love.
RESPONSE
If you are single: Your friends and family need to know that you love them. Who are the top 3 people that God has put into your life to whom He wants you to express His love? In what ways can you more effectively express that love?
To wives: Do you know what make you feel loved and does your husband know? Do you need to talk to your husband about how you feel before it blows up?
To husbands: Firstly, love your wife. God calls you to love your wife like Christ loved the church. If you are not regularly being inconvenienced for her good, then you are probably not doing this! How are you going to find out how your wife best feels loved and what are you going to do in response? Secondly, lead your wife. Are you leading your family toward God and His will by praying for them and with them? Are you setting the kind of ‘God first’ lifestyle that is worthy of imitation?
Let’s finish with an encouragement to pray with your spouse,
‘Praying daily with and for each other is a love language that in many ways brings the other love languages together. It means being tenderly affectionate and transparent with each other. And you hear your spouse lifting you up to God for blessing. If you do that every day, or most days, it seasons your entire relationship with the love of God and of one another.’ (Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage)
THURSDAY – DO NOT BE HARSH
The ‘me too’ movement is an attempt to get men to improve their behaviour toward women. Thankfully, for Christians, we have God’s word and wisdom to help both men and women to live, empowered by the Spirit, healthy relationships that unite across all differences. As we saw in last week’s study, the Fall of mankind led to the broken relationships that we see, and have always, and will always see, in the world around us. We read in Genesis 3:16,
‘To the woman he said… Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Kevin DeYoung explains the meaning of this as, ‘she will sinfully desire to master her husband and he will sinfully tend to dominate her.’
To keep our focus on husbands - men have a tendency to seek to ‘rule’ over their wives, often with ungodly ‘harshness’. As we read,
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
What does it mean to be ‘harsh’?
Harsh (pikrainó) means to become bitter or sour. It’s to develop a resentment toward your wife that is expressed in many sinful modes:
- They can blame their wives for their problems.
- They can dream of a life that would be better without their wife in it.
- They can allow a marriage to drift into parallel lives of passivity or even deep, quiet, rage.
- They can become angry if their wife seems to be more successful than them in some way.
- On average, Men have a greater tendency toward rage and violence - don’t be like this in the home!
RESPONSE
To husbands: Have you become bitter toward your wife in some measure? Are you, like Adam, attributing many of your problems or dissatisfaction to your wife as he said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it” (Gen. 3:12).
To wives: Are you allowing your husband to be harsh toward you? Do you need to talk with him, or seek advice, about his attitude and behaviour? But, also, are you provoking him to bitterness in some way?
To the single: bitterness is not the reserve for husbands. As God says to all of us,
‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ (Ephesians 4:31-32).
As a single person it’s important that you find good friends with whom you can talk and pray about the challenges of life or these can moulder within us.
FRIDAY – HUSBANDS LEAD YOUR WIVES
God has ordained Husbands as the ‘team leader’ in a marriage. As Paul writes,
‘Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.’ (Colossians 3:18)
Submission implies that the wife is to offer her submission to the leadership of her husband.
This is more clearly stated in Ephesians 5
‘Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything’ (Ephesians 5:22-24).
Authority and submission is a timeless truth based upon the unchanging character of God and was a part of human relationships before the Fall. Husbands leading their wives is a part of God’s good creation. In the beginning of creation, Adam was given authority to lead Eve and he neglected to do this. We read,
‘When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it’ (Genesis 3:6).
Adam failed to lead her away from sin. This statement may sound patronising, but God is on my side. Adam is held responsible for both of their sin even though is was actually Eve who took the initiative. In the New testament we see that is is Adam who was held responsible,
‘For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive’ (1 Corinthians 15:21-22).
RESPONSE
Husbands lead your wives
This exhortation can be poorly applied. It’s not a call to coerce and use force to gain submission. It’s a call to lead like Jesus leads.
If you are single - you are called to lead yourself in following Jesus. How will you apply the following to yourself?
Here are few things that it means to lead like Jesus:
1. Take the initiative – Jesus took the initiative toward sinners in salvation. Husbands are to take the initiative to develop love in the marriage.
2. Take responsibility – John piper says it well,
‘A Christian man is obligated to lead his family to the best of his ability… If his family has purchased too many items on credit, then the financial crunch is ultimately his fault. If the family never reads the Bible or seldom goes to church on Sunday, God holds the man to blame. If the children are disrespectful and disobedient, the primary responsibility lies with the father… not the wife… In my view, America’s greatest need is for husbands to begin guiding their families, rather than pouring every physical and emotional resource in to the mere acquisition of money.’
3. Be worthy of respect – If our wives are going to obey the injunction to ‘submit yourselves to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord’, it’s vital that men are living and leading toward what is fitting.
4. Set the example – This links with the previous point. How we live will inspire or will disillusion.
As Paul says to Timothy,
‘Set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.’ (1 Timothy 4:12)
5. Express intention with patience – To lead one must have a godly vision for your life and marriage and express this. But, this expression is to be done gently and with patience rather, that is too often the case, in a fit of pique when you feel that your ambitions are being crossed.
For example. Helen and I have always sought to at least tithe and give generously with our money. Through financial difficulties I have always sought to lead Helen in this - not that she has been reluctant - but I have taken the lead. It’s Helen who does our household finances (if left to me things would be very disorganised!) But I’m still responsible before God.
2. COMMUNITY GROUP/FAMILY STUDY
TREASURE THE FAMILY PART 2. HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES
Opener – How can our own upbringing influence our views on marriage and roles within marriage?
Introduction
Last week we focussed on the role of wives in a marriage. Today we are seeking a biblical vision for the husband. Throughout I’ve also made application for those who are single and so I trust that everyone will find these notes of help.
Read Colossians 3:18-19
Discuss together
- The bible presents the desire for Marriage and children as a good and noble goal. Why do so few Christians seem to feel comfortable in expressing this as an ambition?
- In our text today, we read, ‘Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’. What does Ephesians 5:25 say about how a husband is to love and and how will this help a wife to follow his leadership?
- To the single: How can you employ the resources of your singleness to love the church and your friends that Jesus loves?
- To be ‘harsh’ is to become bitter toward our wives. In what ways can this happen and how can it be remedied?
- To love effectively in marriage or any other relationship it is helpful if one understands how your spouse of friend best feels loved? The ‘Five love languages’ (as defined in the book by Gary Chapman of this title) are:
i. Words of affirmation – Feeling love through words
ii. Acts of service – Doing practical things makes them feel loved
iii. Receiving gifts – Receiving thoughtful gifts speaks to their heart
iv. Quality time – Feeling loved through time and attention
v. Physical touch – Physical proximity and touch makes them feel loved. In marriage this can also include making love.
Whether you are married or single, what do you feel to be your top ‘language’ and how could employing this sort of understanding enhance your marriage or friendships?
- God’s design for marriage is that Husbands lead their wives in doing God’s will. This leadership, however, is something to which the wife is to willingly submit, it cannot be demanded! How will praying and reading scripture together inspire a wife to follow her husband’s leading?
- If you are single: you are not in the same relationship of authority and submission as are husbands and wives, but are you open to leaders and friends giving you advice and giving counsel - What was the last piece of advice/correction that you received and what have you done in response?
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